London's Best Child Unfriendly Pubs

Because there's a time and a place for prams and infants

London's Best Child Unfriendly Pubs

The Beehive, Tottenham

The indoor tables are so tightly packed here that you could throw a blanket over everyone in the pub. And you know what that means? No wide-open spaces for four-tiered prams or Lil’ Joshua’s invisible-laser fight! Also there’s always a decades-of-service regular ready with an unwelcoming glower when families dare to enter. Or a rowdy Spurs fan cursing Tony Pulis’ name.

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The Pembury Tavern, Hackney

An old-school booze-cavern with pleasingly draconian rules about how kids can behave. One false move and it’s curtains, basically. It takes a reckless parent to throw their child into this cauldron; few will take the risk. There’s an imposing and grizzled billiards table in the corner too. Most kids can’t even see over it! Ha!

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The Wenlock Arms, Islington

You know the most passive-aggressive way to keep families out of a pub? A minuscule food menu. You could print the Wenlock Arms’ on your fingernail: Scotch eggs, pickled eggs… and that’s about it. Oh, you want Haribo? Unlucky, young’un! It’s also a historic 19th century “ale house” with a defiantly standard-definition TV in the corner just desperate to screen snooker and Michael Buerk shows.

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The Hat And Tun, Farringdon

One look at the skulls and taxidermy on the wall here guarantees any child a lifetime of gruesome night-terrors. Plus the enforced gambling at the bar – you roll a dice when ordering a drink with the aim of getting it free – really hammers home the “no kids” vibe. And the decorative, sweet-looking pies conceal a shocking truth: gravy.

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The Crown & Anchor, Brixton

Nothing padded, no gaudy colours – this one’s all business: exposed brickwork and almost aggressively dull tables. Here’s where serious craft-beer drinkers clock in and get the job done. One of those where you have to wait a bit longer to get served, because some schmuck wants to sample everything on tap. But you don’t mind, because it’s A Good Pub. And ain’t no one got time for waiting with infants in tow.

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