Tomorrow sees the release of The 33, Hollywood’s retelling of the 2010 Chilean mining disaster. While they’re at it, we wouldn’t mind seeing these homegrown catastrophes getting the silver-screen treatment…
Inspired by: The 2008 fire that gutted Camden’s Stables Market.
The plot: As they emerge, coughing and blackened, from the smoking rubble that was once their home, the denizens of Camden begin building makeshift shelters from whatever they can salvage: snide Obey caps, non-biodegradable noodles, Relentless-flavoured synthetic cannabis… From this post-apocalyptic shitscape emerge a pair of sickly-but-charismatic leaders, and a battle for dominance betwixt two equally ferocious gangs: the gutter-dwelling Doherty Clan, and the beehive-wielding House of Wine. It’s Gangs Of New York meets Mad Max meets The Pigeon Detectives ironically covering Independent Woman Pt. 1 in the Radio 1 Live Lounge.
Starring: Danny Dyer as Amy Winehouse; Kathy Burke as Pete Doherty; Brian Blessed as Legitimately Terrifying Street Drinker No3.
Inspired by: Problems with the rail network on Christmas Eve 2015 left customers stranded on-board trains for hours – including Dragons’ Den star Duncan Bannatyne and his girlfriend Nigora Whitehorn, who took to Twitter to vent their anger.
The plot: There comes a moment in a man’s life when he must stand tall, place his What Car? magazine down on the tray table and stare injustice square in the face. That moment is now. That man is Bannatyne. His only weapons? Grit, withering hashtags, and the love of a beautiful 35-year-old receptionist from Uzbekistan. His merciless foe? The Virgin Trains PR department, who’ve probably knocked off for Christmas tbh but they are in for a shoeing once when they get back on the 28th and check their notifications.
Starring: Liam Neeson as Bannatyne; Selena Gomez as Nigora Whitehorn; John Boyega as Teen Laddy With Annoyingly Hissy Headphones Who Feels The Sharp Edge Of Bannatyne’s Tongue You Mark My Words.
Inspired by: The London riots of 2011.
The plot: Against the backdrop of the most volatile street-riots in decades, 30-somethings Harriet, Jonty, Hugo and Tabs endure their own generational tribulations at the most discomfiting supper party of the season. The exposed-brickwork walls of Hugo’s converted Hackney townhouse may muffle the ghastly helicopters and tiresome chants outside, but there’s no drowning out the dramas within: Harriet’s struggle to join the board at the PR firm; Jonty’s ongoing battle to win the respect of his novelist father; and of course the simmering tension underpinning buttoned-up Hugo and free-spirited Tabs’ dysfunctional marriage.
Starring: Cumberbatch etcetera.
Inspired by: On 21 December 2015, overcrowding at Kent’s Bluewater Centre left hundreds of shoppers trapped in the 240-acre car park for six hours.
The plot: Much like Magnolia, Crash and The Cannonball Run, Parked is a moving ensemble drama interweaving disparate characters’ stories as they wrestle with issues relating to class, mortality, self-deception, deep-seated prejudices and the profound existential tedium of being trapped in a car park in Kent for six f—ing hours. As their lives converge around a single, horrifying discovery – an abandoned human poo, desperately coiled out behind a pay-and-display machine – our protagonists learn that hey, come on now, y’know, maybe they’re not so different after all.
Starring: Eddie Redmayne as The Simpleton Booth Operator; Idris Elba as Dr Clive Saab-Brochure; Natalie Dormer as ‘Mad’ Jackie Sink-Estate.
By Joe Madden
The skinny-jeaned corpse of 2007 indie is risen and dragging its battered Converse to a venue near you