Netflix The biggest-budget Netflix original yet. This is them unveiling their Paul Pogba. Between the new football season and this hip-hop origin story from Baz Luhrmann, no human will leave their house all weekend. It’ll be like 28 Days Later when you look out of the window. Buy up Doritos now.
New cinema Check out the none-more-twee soundtrack on the trailer. It’s motivational heavy-metal for people lacking the drive to sup a chai latte or repair a bike pedal. Wiener-Dog‘s a partly funny, partly sombre indie flick with the reliably great Danny Devito and Greta Gerwig.
MUBI “It’s a progressive movie about a man who dresses as a woman and gets cast in a soap!” You tell your mates. “So a man takes a role away from a woman, and you’re saying it’s progressive?” You stammer. “Err, see the thing is, he changes his character so she’s an empowered woman! It’s a revelation!” “So it’s a film about a man who plays the only empowered woman on television?” You’re sweating now, yanking at your collar. “Well, no, err, sort of… Look it’s really funny, okay…” “We’re meant to laugh at empowered women on television?!” Just give up and put it on.
BBC iPlayer Paxman pulls a Very Serious Face and urges us to care about just how much of Vinnie’s ear was lopped off. Did the lobe go? Oh mama, not the lobe! You won’t be rapt by the extent of ear damage. But the crazy story of booze and prostitutes that made him slice it is a riot
Amazon Prime Nic Cage at his most restrained. No wild, mad-Aunt-at-a-wedding tears. No bees. This movie contains every cliche ever – gold-hearted kid just desperate to come of age; battered ex-con with a shot at redemption – but still manages to be lovely and moving. Very much like Mud, if you’ve seen that.
The skinny-jeaned corpse of 2007 indie is risen and dragging its battered Converse to a venue near you