The workout: Learn parkour in indoor tranquility at the Chainstore Academy (E14) before taking it to the streets with a GoPro. You’ll either launch a YouTube career as a fearless adventurer, or have your gruesome end captured in flawless HD!
The reward: Comfy chairs, a lovely view of the wharf, and London’s most competitively priced bacon butties await at the Bow Creek Cafe. You’ve earned two, champ.
The workout: Compared to how it was in 2012, when you couldn’t even get a ticket for the silly horse-prancing, the Olympic Park’s (E20) all but deserted now. Do a quick dash around the Copper Box and Aquatics Centre, stop off by the rings for a selfie, then head to the Victory Park gym for a blast on the outdoor bouldering wall. Legacy!
The reward: The park cafes are still charging inexplicably Olympic prices, so take yourself off to Balans in the nearby Westfield Stratford City for the Soho Full English.
The workout: Primrose Hill Trim Trail sounds gentle enough, right? Like how you’d warm up for a hard day’s clapping at the Tory Conference. In fact, this outdoor gym (NW3) is the premier spot for London’s hardcore calisthenics enthusiasts, thanks to its unparalleled array of bars and benches. The surrounding hedges give you a bit of privacy to improve on your “one(ish)” pull-up PB.
The reward: Finish with a sprint up the hill and a moment’s pause to survey London – then trot straight back down to The Queen’s for eggs b and a Virgin Mary.
The workout: You’ve gone to bed intending to jog in the morning. You wake up and pray for rain. Any moisture on the pavement you can use to make exercising seem like a perilous death dance. One look out the window and… it’s dry. Drier than EU agricultural policy. Make the experience tolerable by hitting the tree-lined majesty of Battersea Park (SW11), London’s most underrated green space.
The reward: Three words: unlimited sourdough toast. Pop over to Flour To The People, claim your own tableside toaster, and mumble “glycogen replacement” through a mouthful of crumbs and marmalade at anyone who gives you the side-eye.
The workout: The man who rents a Santander bike is working a lot harder to haul himself around than the gent with the swanky ultra-light frame. That lot may as well be on their couch mainlining Mini Cheddars. Point being, even though this TFL-endorsed route is only 4.8 miles, you’ll feel the sting on your battered steed.
The reward: If there’s one thing cyclists take as seriously as chainset bants, it’s strong coffee: drop in at Rapha’s Spitalfields store for a drop of the hard stuff.
The skinny-jeaned corpse of 2007 indie is risen and dragging its battered Converse to a venue near you