The crisps: A man is never truly destined to die alone until he’s made himself a sandwich with these in.
The cheese: “The bacon’s smokiness nudges me towards something with a natural smoky or nutty flavour,” says our expert David Deaves, of La Cave à Fromage in South Kensington. “Lincolnshire Poacher (£2.95/100g) has just been crowned Best Flavour-Added Cheese at the British Cheese Awards and is cold-smoked over oak for 24 hours. Comte Grande Reserve (£3.90/100g) would work perfectly too.”
Verdict: Both of these taste bang on, and they get bonus points for reducing the “am I eating loft insulation?” itchy mouth-feel of the Frazzles.
The crisp: Look out, lads! Absolute legend coming through! The sort of legend that will get thrown out of Belushi’s this Saturday for falling over and breaking a door in the gents. What a legend!
The cheese: “Think steak, think blue cheese. Roquefort Special Reserve (£4/100g) is the classic choice – it’s soft, creamy, salty and sweet. But for me, Cropwell Bishop Beauvale (£3.95/100g) is just the ticket. It has a mellow taste with a lingering complexity.”
Verdict: The #LAD of the crisp universe gets a coating of decadence. This is definitely what Prince Harry eats for breakfast.
The crisps: It’s cheese. It’s all about the cheese. Reeks of cheese. Riddled with it. All-out cheeseageddon.
The cheese: “My priority here is to introduce a new taste profile rather than just muddling the baseline cheese flavour. I’d select either Campion La Cave (£7.10 each), which gets a sweetness from the Madagascan pink peppercorns it’s rolled in, or Cabra al Romero (£4.40/100g), an Andalusian goat’s cheese gently perfumed by a rosemary coating.”
Verdict: Feel ashamed for every time you’ve called Quavers “silly little half-moons for porky nine-year-olds”. They’re cheesier than actual cheese.
The crisp: The snack you crack out when your sister brings her new boyfriend to dinner. This is you showing Mr New Shoes that you’re the Big Daddy around these parts.
The cheese: “I want to cut through the acidity of the vinegar, and Appenzeller Extra (£3.40/100g) is a Swiss cow’s milk cheese washed in a mix of wine, cider and herbs. It’ll complement the cider vinegar in the crisp. Berkswell (£4.15/100g) is a rich ewe’s cheese from West Midlands that’d be my second choice.”
Verdict: That Appenzeller is wild! It tastes like cheese booze without being absolutely the worst thing in the world!
The crisp: A divisive little tinker. You’re either totally in, or you’re absolutely out. No middle ground here.
The cheese: “It’s all about finding a light, citrus and herbaceous cheese that won’t overpower the delicate seafood flavour. Cabecou Soreda (£1.60 each) is a goat’s cheese with a melt-in-the-mouth sensation and a fresh lemony finish. Or, you could go for a ewe’s cheese like Wigmore (£4.30/100g). It’s got floral, grass, herb and nut notes.”
Verdict: It works. It really works. We don’t know how. We don’t need to know how. Prawns and goat’s cheese shall be known henceforth as an actual thing.
Words: Chris Sayer
The skinny-jeaned corpse of 2007 indie is risen and dragging its battered Converse to a venue near you
It's the church you want for the hottest new beats