Dirty Bones, doing its own thing. Laughing in the face of red-nosed, cracker-pulling Christmas conformity. Forsaking turkey and flying a bovine flag with an aged beef patty topped with spiced red cabbage (yes), kale holly (yes!), bread sauce mayonnaise (YES!), and soaked with Christmas gravy (SOMEBODY CALL A DOCTOR!) for £10.
Engage in the most “No Dan, you said you were in charge of booking the venue” of office party activities – last-minute bowling – before tearing into All Star Lanes’ majestic Christmas Dinner Burger. It’s a he-beast, with a sage and onion-encrusted turkey patty, sausage stuffing, cranberry sauce and a pig in blanket skewered to its top.
This one just didn’t fancy 2016. Saw the whole lot coming – Brexit, Trump, Nuttall. One look at the entrance and “Nah, you’re alright”. But, after stealing the show around Christmas 2015, BIRD‘s monster is showing its face again for December. Cranberry-glazed fried chicken, panko-crusted brie and bacon-wrapped jalapeno peppers.
Seen the condensed video of Danny Dyer’s Who Do You Think You Are? episode that’s doing the rounds? Proper hilarious. “Cake-O Bake-O”. So good. Masterful stuff. It’s probably the only thing more worthy of your eyes than this God-league buttermilk-fried turkey stacker from Mac & Wild, complete with brioche bun, stuffing, mincemeat, stilton and bread sauce.
Your boy Ben of Ben’s Canteen has come out swinging this year, flailing his arms around and knocking over dad’s bowling trophy. This blaring b*stard of a burger has a sage and shallot buttermilk turkey breast, a squashed stuffing ball, slow-roasted honey and mustard ham hock, buttered Brussels, garlic mayo, melted brie and cranberry sauce. Christ, Ben.
The dirty little secret of clean Nordic living. A Hygge catastrophe, like spilling HP Sauce on cream cushions. Tommi’s Burger Joint, the Icelandic promoter of meaty excess, has conjured a big’n’greasy venison patty with melted soft cheese, green pepper mayo, pickled red cabbage and cranberry sauce.
Byron‘s Cheesemas No1 has two 6oz hamburgers, cheddar, bacon relish, pickles and an onion ring. If you’re at a time in your life where that line-up is just nowhere near filthy enough, then pop a quid into your server’s palm and whisper “mac it up” to get mac’n’cheese poured into that onion-ring crown. They’ll know you mean business.
Only one thing can stop you demanding MeatLiquor‘s beastly XXXmas Burger (turkey, sausage patty, bacon, stuffing etc etc). And that’s the menu’s attention-hogger, the Garbage Plate. Turkey, pigs in blankets, gravy, stuffing, cranberry sauce… all splurged over fries. Over fries!
As a name, Le Bun implies pouty Franglais. But its Christmas Tree Smoked Deer Bun is imposing. It’s just chained 20 Marlboro Reds and there isn’t the slightest croak in its voice. A long shadow is cast by this layered monster: venison and beef patty, roquefort, smoked bacon and Brussels slaw, bone marrow, truffle jam.
At this time of depressing international unilateralism and creeping xenophobia, it was always, always, going to be Shake Shack that brought us all back together. Never in any doubt. Behold, the American import’s Alpine Bacon burger: British beef bedded down with Swiss Appenzeller cheese and a tonne of bacon from somewhere like Holland.