What is it? Beans go in, hot coffee comes out. Someone squeal a few Hail Marys, we got some serious witchcraft inside the world’s first portable all-in-one coffee maker (£64.99).
Why do I need it? Your office is filled with the sort of monsters who contaminate tea with coffee-stained spoons. This little treasure will cut your ties to these dribbling fleshbags for good. You’re your own man now. You’re free.
What? It’s a wall-less filter stand (£35), bringing “unrestricted flow and consistent extraction” every time you pour water over ground caffeine goodness.
Why? You work hours and hours of unpaid overtime without so much as a whinge. You eat the bacon and egg sandwich even though you specifically asked for bacon and sausage because you’re a great guy. You deserve more than restricted flow and inconsistent extraction. You deserve more.
What? Why, it’s only the German-designed grinder, the Krups GVX2 (£36). Bean up, buddy – this coffee’s about to get fresh.
Why? Like bleeding a radiator without referring to a YouTube video, going back to Y-fronts or taking a wine nap after Sunday lunch, switching on this and filling your kitchen with the smell of just-ground coffee is an action that taketh the boy and maketh the man.
What? Guess how long it takes this iced coffee maker (£29.99) to drop hot liquid by 130 degrees? Haha yeah good one mate! It’s a minute. One. One minute. Iced coffee greatness in 60 seconds.
Why? Life is fickle. One minute sandals and socks are for vicars on vacation. Next they’re for grime-spitting cool boys. Which is it? WHICH IS IT? Keep your coffee options unfussily switchable in this crazy, illogical world.
Why? Spro is the guy who’s whispering into your ear, just as you’re about to cock up a cortado, “too much milk there Paul, you’re in cappuccino town now son”; and KoHi is your boy for finally telling you how to use an Aeropress without pebble-dashing the cupboards with your hot brown mess again.
Joe Madden embarks on an epic quest for the benefit of all mankind
Joel Golby proposes a few ingenious flavour combinations he reckons will set the London scene alight
Got 20 minutes to kill before the 6:15 to Derby? No? How about 10? Here are the best platform-proximate haunts in the capital
We asked the UK's only American sweets delivery service Taffy Mail to send Joel Golby candy in the mail every morning for a week
We went along to Billingsgate Fish Market at the crack of dawn to ask the guys who work there where they reckon serves the best fish and chips