Live Like An Emirati Prince At Your Desk

There is no reason we can think of why your place of work should not double as a hedonistic pleasure palace. Treat yourself to next-level luxury

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An absolute power move. Imagine the look of awe on your sad-sack colleagues’ faces as they watch you strategise over the phone about Thursday’s budget meeting while signalling at a photo of Hector Bellerin to your in-office hairdresser. Give Vincent Parin a go! He’ll come to where you work, has loads of experience and is extremely pleasant.

Cost: about £30. Reasonable!

The message it sends: this employee knows the value of good presentation. No doubt he’s just the man to present The Johnson Report, next week.

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There’s nothing wrong with a meal deal. But queuing up, day after day, for the same prawn cocktail sandwich, Tango, Quavers combo can, in the long run, do terrible, dark things to an office worker’s psyche. So, next time pay day comes around get in touch with Bel-Air and call in something glorious that will make your co-worker’s lunch look like an upturned bin lid full of giblets.

Cost: individual meals cost six or seven quid. Or you can order the massive hamper with everything in it for £40.

The message it sends: hmmm, this employee has eaten a massive hamper for lunch. Chances are he’ll eat the Johnson Report for breakfast!

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Gadget Man

A cracked iPhone screen is proof of a rich and fulfilling social life. While other people are bulk-buying Jaffa Cakes for another winter spent indoors watching ITV, you’re out on the town, dashing from one warehouse rave to the next. Of course your phone or tablet screen is going to get smashed at some point. That’s when you call for the guys at FixMyiPhone. Unlike lots of others they’re totally professional and really fast in responding to enquiries.

Cost: it costs upwards of £120 to get John in. Not cheap. But John is the best.

The message it sends: seems this guy’s a regular Neo (from popular film The Matrix). Throw the Johnson Report at him – see if he can hack it.

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How can you possibly be expected to give 110 per cent, create synergy and promote core competency while suffering from a distressing knot in your lower trapezius? You can’t. You simply can’t. That’s why you should contact MILK and send for someone to give your heroically weary musculature a good going over. We were massaged by a very nice lady called Clare. It was way less awkward than you’d imagine.

Cost: £35 for half an hour.

The message it sends: what does that guy actually do? He’s just getting massages and eating lunch hampers all day. And he’s obsessed with something called “The Johnson Report”? Ask Carol from HR to look into it.

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Getting ahead in the modern workplace is all about creating an enduring personal brand. And unless your personal brand is saying “this guy loves wine a lot!” you might very well be overlooked the next time your superior is looking to fast-track some thrusting go-getter all the way to Promotionland. Don’t risk it: the nice people at Supper will make sure you’re never seen without a full glass of high-quality vino. Cheers!

Cost: Supper offers a wide variety of price points. As usual we asked ourselves “what would 2 Chainz do?” and went for the £45 Pinot Noir.

The message it sends: Johnson Report!

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