What is it? A water tower in Kennington that’s been converted into a hella posh flat, as seen on Grand Designs, with 360-degree views of London from nine floors up.
Stay here if: You want to prove a point to the teacher who never believed in you. “Look at me now, Mister Biggs!” you’re yelling down to the street, wine-angry and trouserless. “I’m in possibly the best-known private home in London!” A bystander alerts the authorities.
How much? £150 a night
What is it? An old Victorian shop, converted into a home but retaining the original fittings and decor. The sort of place where you have a lovely conversation with a charming man, but then when you mention him to someone else they look at you quizzically and say “That sounds like Old Ted, but he died 50 years ago”.
Stay here if: You’ve recently read the Stephen King story Crouch End and are interested both in the barrier between this world and the next and the Hornsey/Harringay area.
How much? £70 a night
What is it? An artist-owned “eco-paradise” in Battersea complete with chestnut grove, compost toilet and friendly dog, plus a Game Of Thrones bed. Hang on, if there’s no electricity, how have they seen Game Of Thrones?
Stay here if: You can’t quite match your desire to get away from it all with the time to do so, and are happy to pretend to be in a remote ecological wilderness in the shadow of a power station.
How much? £300 a night
What is it? A flat within a converted dog-biscuit factory near Limehouse, where the colour saturation seems to be turned up, giving it the appearance of one of those US cable sitcoms that used to be on Trouble a lot in the early 2000s.
Stay here if: You’ve got the sort of telegenic haircut, dazzling smile and quip-based wit that lends itself to leaning on a neon orange stool, drinking from a giant coffee cup and making pithy but hilarious remarks about relationships.
How much? £60 a night
What is it? A boat located in Little Venice, complete with dayglo paint job, canalside garden, jacuzzi and wet room, which on a less nice boat would be a sign that something was going very wrong.
Stay here if: You are a retired pirate, open to new colour schemes and who wishes to stay on the water but also enjoy the perks of your plunder, like a Japanese bath, water purifier and his’n’hers sinks.
How much? £500 a night
The skinny-jeaned corpse of 2007 indie is risen and dragging its battered Converse to a venue near you