What is it? A small but lavish four-person apartment perched up inside the gothic clock tower at St Pancras Station, complete with sky-high ceilings, exposed brick walls, a grand piano and a massive clock.
Stay here if: you’re that guy always seen sprinting through the fug of eau de toilette in duty-free to make your departure in time. Or if you’re an aspiring super-villain called Doctor Doomclock or something.
How much? £150 a night.
What is it? A souped up C-reg Mercedes van, fully drivable and converted into a bedroom with a pull-out sofa bed, a pop-up toilet, and a wood-burning stove.
Stay here if: you admire the touring rockstar for his stick-it-to-the-Man, “these four walls are a prison!” rebel attitude but still demand the luxury of a gas hob in order to indulge in your eight-hour Sunday casserole sessions.
How much? £150 a night.
What is it? A flat aboard a luxury two-storey boathouse that’s tied to the shore between Vauxhall and Chelsea Bridge, with all mod cons, access to a swimming pool, and the very exciting promise of a Pret a Manger just “10 minutes down the road”.
Stay here if: you need somewhere to lie low for a while. Seriously, who’s going to look for you on a boat? The boat police? Pfft. They’ll be running around like headless chickens, all the while you’re safe offshore, eating your own weight in delicious Lebanese flatbread wraps.
How much? £149 a night.
What is it? It’s a tent. You’ll get the whole “it’s not a tent, it’s a Mongolian yurt” schtick, but it’s really just quite a big, comfy tent with a stove and Persian rugs for warmth. Also: you’re in someone’s garden. Hope they’re not murderers!
Stay here if: you yearn for a night in the Great Outdoors but know that you’ll never drift off to sleep without the reassuring thrum of the Jubilee Line.
How much? £99 a night.
The One That’s An Old Pub
What is it? A tasteful conversion of an 1800s Peckham booze hole, with lots of art on the walls, tall ceilings, a massive drunkard-free garden and a cat called Rita.
Stay here if: your dream of sleeping in a pub was shattered the first time around by an irate landlord threatening to “smash ye brains in with this ‘ere mallet” if you didn’t climb out from your little bar-towel den under the drip trays.
How much? £350 a night.
An international festival of light
Dinner in a decommissioned 1967 underground carriage
Half-price brunch and a HUGE fried chicken burger