There are few better ways of letting your friends and co-workers know you’re superior to them on every conceivable level than a watch based on an important Swiss typeface. Leave the masses to their Tinder depravity and Deliveroo binges. You’ve got the Helvetica No1 Light and an appointment with a new kimono exhibit at the British Museum.
Ooh, that’s nice: It says “Swiss made” on the front. Owning anything “Swiss made” is a uniquely satisfying experience.
Not too much fun, you realise. Introducing the Alessi Out_Time watch. The red leather strap says “yes, I own a PlayStation”, the stark white face says “I was a fan of the bearded Italian architect who designed this thing long before I owned the watch. He’s an inspiration in all areas of my life. By the way, I haven’t used the PlayStation in about two years. It’s a shame but I can’t find the time.”
Ooh, that’s nice: Such a minimal face. Makes Lewis Hamilton’s famously sparse face look cramped by comparison.
We’re not normally drawn to shiny, metallic watches but we are delighted to make an exception for The Citizen Mesh Chronograph. If you’ve always fancied owning wearing something made from stainless steel but were scared of the connotations then this is the watch for you. Don’t act like “what connotations?” You know the connotations.
Ooh, that’s nice: Its strap is like the gilded scales of a magical pangolin. And when you put it on it clinks in a highly satisfying manner.
Things you enjoy: marinas; Hall and Oates (not ironically); the TV programme First Dates (ironically); elegant post-war French cars; using the word “apposite”; quality mustards; the Daniel Wellington Classic Glasgow watch. We’re done here.
Ooh, that’s nice: It’s the thinnest of all the watches, so the thing is ridiculously light (in a good way). A real breezy piece!
Black and gold. The most erotic of all the colour combinations. A watch so sexy it’s probably banned in Iran. This, the Larsson & Jennings Lader Black, is a lovely thing to have attached to your wrist. Suggestive, perhaps, but too genuinely tasteful for anyone to mistake you for the black-satin-sheets-and-ceiling-mirrors type.
Ooh, that’s nice: It fits really well. That’s a weird thing to say, sure. But some watches are kind of awkward. Not this one. An obliging, delightful timepiece.
The skinny-jeaned corpse of 2007 indie is risen and dragging its battered Converse to a venue near you