Things to do

This summer's best remaining boat parties: party on the Thames while you still can

Are you having enough boat fun?

A speedboat passing under Tower Bridge on the Thames river

The Speedy One

A quiet ale aboard the good ship BoreFest? Not tonight, Grandpa! It’s time to go turbo with Thames Rockets and their after-hours tour, on until mid-September. Expect special cocktails designed by London Cocktail Club. Expect a pumping playlist curated by the DJs at Oslo Hackney. Expect to be making peace with God within five minutes of that throttle opening up.

The Thames River at sunset, with DJ Norman Jay transposed on the top

The Funky One

Norman Jay, the DJ awarded an MBE for his services to raising the damn roof, has commandeered a boat. That’s all you need to know. A man who was basically fist-bumped by the Queen for his party skills is cruising along the Thames, in a ship named HMS Good Times, from 1pm this Saturday. It’s impossible to not want to go to this.

A large boat passing under London's Tower Bridge at night, close up

The Mellow One

Expect nostalgic references to “Ayia Napa ’97” at this chilled-out head-bobber. Boat-party vets reliving their glory days while being gently moved by Quantic’s afternoon set on August 27. Stay clear of that one guy in the bucket hat, all smiles an hour ago, now having a meltdown about his “tragic tumble into suburban hell”.

A large white cruise ship on water

The Nerdy One

Imagine if you’d taken Streets of Rage 2 even more seriously. Pursued it as a career. Earned superstardom. Got a Time cover. REZtron’s next party, on August 26, is the life you could have had. Endless retro SEGA games, including Golden Axe and Crazy Taxi, all aboard a megayacht.

A large group of people enjoying themselves in a garden wearing sunglasses

The DIY One

Always your stuff that gets broken at your house party isn’t it? It’s never Sarah’s Xbox that gets a mini sausage roll stuffed into it. Never Sarah’s bed that gets hilariously infested with fire ants. Protect your stuff by relocating your next rager to here – a rentable party barge for 42 people. They’ll even provide you with a captain to motor you along Regent’s Canal.

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