There will come a day when a potential life partner spies your little cafetiere, the one you bought in Sainsbury’s nearly a decade ago, that’s picked up a deeply unpleasant brown hue over the years. They’ll call you a “timid little worm” and walk out of your life, all your hopes and dreams will be dashed, and you’ll rue the day you didn’t buy one of these inventive Bodum Travel Coffee Presses (£13.09). They’re simple to use, produce a perfect cup, and unlike the remnants of your shattered little heart, they’re easy to clean, too.
Put down that tatty copy of the Metro and get your fingers inky with some serious reading material. Caffeine (£23 per year) is the magazine with an interest in high-end coffee that borders on the dangerously obsessive. Bag a subscription and every other month you’ll dive deep into an industry you engage with daily but never truly analyse. Which is exactly what you want as you stuff yourself onto the 7.17 from Caterham, the air thick with sweat, resentment, and stale Pret-breath. Welcome to your life, there’s no turning back.
Since we crawled fin-first out of the primordial ooze, man has longed to have total dominance over his environment. Alexander the Great, Henry VIII, the bloke who invented the Segway… we did it, lads, we managed to manufacture a device so potent and powerful that it can conjure up iced coffee anytime, anywhere. The Zoku (£32.09) is the travel mug the world’s been waiting for and while it’s probably the result of witchcraft, the prospect of being able to chug on an iced latte in the sweltering summer from the comfort of an office cubicle is worth turning a blind eye for.
Most people dream about finding themselves on stage minus their boxers. Stark naked and cloaked in shame they wake, sweaty, confused, and slightly nauseated. You, on the other hand, dive nightly into a netherworld where you’re bereft of coffee. You panic, you shake, you scream for a nurse who’s never going to come. That ends today. Never again will you be without your caffeine crutch. Thank God for the portable Minipresso (£49.99), an absurdly handy portable espresso maker that’ll leave you free to dream about securing a bronze medal in curling at the next Winter Olympics.
It hurt when the nasty UFC-loving boys from Dumfriesshire took a look at your first-year coffee apparel and declared you a “javahead”. They meant it mockingly… but who’s laughing now?! You and us, long and hard, now the world has come round to the idea of a fine quality brew to make at home. And this is next level, a De’Longhi Coffee Grinder (£27.99) with stainless-steel blades to extract maximum taste from those beans. Easy to use and a simple means of prettifying that houseshare kitchenette.