Boots: Ham Hock, Cheddar and Plum Chutney
Flavour: Flat. Nothing really tastes of anything – it’s a mouthful of textures. Maybe, if you close your eyes and clench your fists, there’s a tingle of plum to be found. Maybe.
Nostalgia rating: What part of this is Christmassy? Is it you, cheddar? Is it you, boy? This is the type of sandwich you might find, tiny and triangular, on a silver tray at a meeting where you’re told you’re being made redundant. 2/10
Waitrose: Steak, Stilton and Quince Chutney
Flavour: Woof. Delicious – the steak is brilliantly seasoned, deep and peppery, and complements the cool creaminess of the stilton. Can’t really taste any quince but who the hell knows what quince tastes like anyway? There’s a separate sachet of crispy onions in there too that you’ll only notice when you come to throw the packaging away. One to look forward to!
Nostalgia rating: If you’re the type of person who had quince at Christmas then stop reading this email, climb aboard the nearest-convenient horse, traverse the 200 acres that were your birthright, and leave the rest of us to inherit an inscribed brick from our Nan’s fireplace. 2/10
Sainsbury’s: Turkey With Pigs Under Blankets
Flavour: The champ last year; the champ this year. Sausage, turkey and bacon in career-best form, all reliably moist. You worry the cranberry and port sauce will be too rich, too overpowering. But no! Subtle and sweet. The best blend of flavours here.
Nostalgia rating: It’s the one your Dad holes himself up in the kitchen with, lovingly crafting it over 20 unhurried minutes, to avoid mad ol’ Grandpa bellowing “bloody disgrace… send in the Home Guard!” after every item on Christmas Day Newsround. 8/10
M&S: Chestnut Roast Wrap
Flavour: Oh dear, oh dear. It just tastes of earth, really. Never wonder again how it would feel to succumb to the urge of plunging your head into a flowerpot and opening your mouth full and true. All you can really detect is raw carrot. Memories of those “see, vegetables can be tasty!” Year 3 science lessons.
Nostalgia rating: No turkey on the big day? No bird on the Yuletide table? Pfffft… doesn’t sound like any Christmas we can remember! No sir, not us! Hahahaha *Spends afternoon wailing* 4/10
Pret Christmas Lunch
Flavour: Yep, very nice. A strong second place. The crispy onion in there, causing a whole lotta mischief, taking the edge off that pork, bacon and apricot stuffing. Too much bloody spinach, though.
Nostalgia rating: Ah yeah, this is the one. It’s the stuffing crumbs landing on your chest as you watch the latest David Walliams-voiced animation in the BBC Two late-afternoon Boxing Day slot. And you want to laugh, oh buddy you wanna howl, but no, no… it’s just not funny. 10/10