Red’s True BBQ offers sheer barbecue excess, plus wild dishes like the doughnut burger. But you can afford to absorb the extra calories after a day of deadlifting five-megatonne warships.
Most manly dish: The Pitmaster Tray. All the boys, together in one place: ribs, brisket, pulled pork, smoked sausage.
As alpha as: Destroying your infant nephew in a championship-length tennis match and then screaming in his face.
Wing Zone has 73 locations in North America, the epicentre of loose-slacked meat-shovelling, but this is the only one in the UK. The wings are hefty and volcanically hot, so you can show how nails you are when they don’t make you collapse, clutching your throat.
Most manly dish: The Nuclear Habanero wings. One of the world’s hottest chilis… only this time it’s nuclear.
As alpha as: Ordering for your partner’s parents at a restaurant. Without looking at the menu.
Hidden-away underground bar La Cabina will serve you a stacked plate of flesh until 5am. Never again suffer the horror of a night out not ending with a restorative blast of muscle-mending protein.
Most manly dish: It’s all tapas but don’t worry champ, there’s nothing dainty about it. Slow-cooked pork belly with apple sauce is practically monster Sunday-lunch tapas.
As alpha as: Turning up to 5-a-side wearing a captain’s armband and a Brazil shirt with “GUV’NOR” on the back.
Smokey Tails is new from part-DJ part-tycoon Seth Troxler: Midwestern-inspired BBQ soundtracked by the inoffensive whump-tiss ofhouse music. Serious #vibes for the next full squad meet-up.
Most manly dish: The Porky Pig bun has sausage, bacon, and pulled pork all fighting for space and your affection. Triple trouble.
As alpha as: A proud silverback gorilla in a sleeveless t-shirt, absolutely whaling on a bunch of cringing cheetahs.
There’s nothing more alpha than success. Exchange booming first-pumps with London’s other wolves at Boisdale, with its £50 cigars, 3,000-strong whisky selection and huge steaks.
Most manly dish: 12oz beef fillet on the bone. Any steak that actually fits on a normal-sized plate? Forget about it!
As alpha as: Dan Bilzerian playing online poker with a topless Vladimir Putin.