Portugal 'til I die!
Why? Great name, isn't it? Sounds like what our lower-league teams would be called if they didn't have stupid names like Brentford. But it's a social club for Portuguese expats, with a BBQ fired up for the Portugal games.
How to fit in: Whinge about how the golden generation – Luis Figo, Fernando Couto, Rui Costa etc – was "forever let down by the lack of a truly ruthless striker". Then, with confidence building, a daring quip: "Nuno Gomes? More like No-no Gomes!"
Come on the Poles!
Where? The Belvedere, Acton
Why? It’s only London’s foremost Polish sports bar! Buddy, you can't even think about Polish sports bars until you've been here.
How to fit in: Say “whew, that was a close escape!” slightly too loudly to attract attention, then wave around this sensationalist, years-old link on your phone showing how Robert Lewandowski nearly joined Blackburn Rovers. Top conversation fodder.
Hoorah for Germany!
Where? Zeitgeist, Vauxhall
Why? Boisterous German bar whose £10 price of entry for German games includes a none-more-Deutsch plate of wurst and chips. And a "vodka brause". No idea what it is, but it sounds authentic.
How to fit in: Very easy. You've entered a bizarro world where white is black, up is down and admitting you find Thomas Hassler cool is okay! Welcome to a universe where Gareth Southgate's shambles of a penalty at Euro 96 didn't send the nine-year-old you scampering up the stairs and nestling, tearfully, under your SuperTed quilt.
Allez les Sweden!
Where? The Duke Of York, Marylebone
Why? Nice story: while regular Swedish haunt The Harcourt was being refurbished, this nearby pub reinvented itself as a Swede-friendly spot to give those poor denim-clad Svens somewhere to go. The Harcourt's back now, but this remains the sporty Swedish place.
How to fit in: Swedish people are thoroughly attractive, enlightened and pleasant. Try and see the fact that you're British, grotesque and hairy as a positive. Re-imagine yourself as an exotic "jester" figure.
All glory to Albania!
Where? The Queens Arms, Kilburn
Why? Established by Rita Ora's Albanian dad. Has a history of putting on gigs by Albanian bands. Check out Tri Gerdhojat rocking the joint on YouTube!
How to fit in: At half-time, tap one of your Albanian brothers on the shoulder and say, "This is great and all, but when are Tri Gerdhojat coming on?"
The five stages of a drunken tube journey
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