The Cuddly One
Your sleep issue: The pressure to ensure an uninterrupted eight hours has you all worked up, and breathing like a City fan in the United end. Also you miss sleeping with a teddy bear and please Mister Therapist, haven’t we been through this enough times already!
Bansri’s solution: “The Somnox Sleep Robot is not unlike a high-tech teddy bear. You take it into bed with you and sleep spooning it. It influences your breathing and puts you in a meditative state so you drift off faster than you otherwise would – it keeps synchronising with your breathing, sending you into a deeper sleep, lowering your stress and relaxing your brain so you wake up more refreshed.”
The Bling One
Your sleep issue: You can’t work out why some nights you have an espresso minutes before bed and sleep like a Boxing Day Grandpa, but other times a teabag you touched 15 hours ago hits you like a crystal meth binge. This must be INVESTIGATED.
Bansri’s solution: “You wear the Oura ring day and night, and it measures body temperature, blood volume, pulse, movement intensity and speed. It can give you a daily summary with insights and trends, but it also stores about six weeks of data, so you can let yourself forget about it for a while and track it on a bit more of an occasional basis.”
The Bat-Like One
Your sleep issue: Ever since seeing your parents gunned down in Crime Alley after a childhood theatre trip, you’ve found relaxing difficult – almost as difficult as balancing your daytime life as a billionaire playboy with your nocturnal vigilantism!
Bansri’s solution: “SleepScore sends out waves from your phone’s speakers that bounce off your body and return to the microphone, analysing you while you sleep. It uses the same kind of system as bats. You just breathe normally and it looks at 6,000 or so breaths every night, learning about you over time and making recommendations.”
The British One
Your sleep issue: Sovereignty! Please, tell us, when will it be ours? When will these moaners take their “facts” and “well-founded concerns” and just shut the H*CK up? Sovereignty!
Bansri’s solution: “Developed and manufactured in the UK, the Zeez Pebble resembles a large flat stone, which you simply put under your pillow. It emits low-radiation pulses that match the speed, duration and form of the natural brainwaves of a good sleeper and convince your brain to mimic them. The power it puts out is very low, something like one-hundredth of what a smartphone emits, so that’s nothing to worry about.”
The Intuitive One
Your sleep issue: You think torturous years of saving to buy in Deptford will end your housing grievances. But what’s this? Drum’n’bass blaring from next door, apparently with a live MC? Oh spiffing, just great, ohhhh yesss!!!
Bansri’s solution: “Kokoon’s noise-cancelling headphones have EEG sensors in, which work in concert with the accompanying app to present you with an intelligent audio library that changes based on what is happening to you. As you listen, the app learns about you, and eventually starts giving you personalised recommendations on what your routine should be. It’s based around cognitive behavioural therapy, as used by sleep therapists.”