Grooming Articles

Indulgent but non-excessive grooming treatments

Look great without the shame of going full Patrick Bateman

Published:

Maintain Your Mush

What is it? The Ruffians Refresher (£15), where the barbers check yo’ head with a 15 minute facial scrub, hot towelling, upper body and face massage and “complimentary drinks”. Free beer!

Get it when: All that perma-scowling at your Social Media Morons and their “hot takes” on Brexit/Trump/Southern Rail has finally cracked your face like your sister’s iPhone screen. 

Indulgent but non-excessive grooming treatments

Fix Your Broken Body

What is it? Right in the eye of London’s tourist hurricane, bunkered down under designer sportswear shop Ron Dorff, is Fix – the sports injury clinic where for just £40, you’re getting your bruised, battered and aching muscles expertly caressed back to life with a 30 minute massage.

Get it when: You finally admit it’s “not very normal” to spend the hour before five-a-side coating yourself in Deep Heat to the point of radioactive glow.

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Hammer Out Your Hangover

What is it: It’s Jeff! Y’know, Jeff from Jeff’s Barbers in Borough. Yes, Turkish Barber Jeff! Cough up 25 coconuts and y’boy Jeff’ll exorcise the boozy demons of the night before with a cut-throat shave, hair wash and ear singe with his “Jeff’s Hangover Cure” treatment. Nothing banishes a b*stard behind the eyes like the scent of your own burning hair, right Jeff!

Get it when: With “Has Anyone Ever Died From A Hangover” Googled, all that’s left is to pen Your Last Will And Testament. With hair-free ears!

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Get Nailed

What is it? The grooming pros at Neville Barber (inside Barber and Parlour in Shoreditch) file, tidy and moisturise your sin-soaked nails and cuticles. Fifteen quid, 30 minutes, you’re done.

Get it when: You’re pretty sure a small organism growled your name from its filthy flatshare beneath your middle claw.

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Feel The Pain

What is it? A beasting, mate. An invigorating battering. Pop on the requisite silly felt hat at Russian spa Banya No1, ask for a ten-minute “parenie” (£28) and lay back as the calm-faced therapists whip-crack the living soul from you with a “venik” – a bundle of birch, oak or eucalyptus twigs. Good for circulation, boosting your immune system, and wishing you’d never been born.

Get it when: The guilt of accidentally elbowing a pensioner in the ribs as you panic-rushed onto the District Line is playing on your mind. Not to mention the guilt of deliberately kicking her husband!

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