Exorcise the demon living in the “School Nativity 1984” tape, with your disastrously un-nuanced portrayal of a shepherd, by downloading this VHS filter app (£2.29) then filming some nostalgic vids of your own, filled with reputation-restoring cool stuff. Like 180 jumps off a step, rap poses while wearing shades, or saying “whazzzup!” loads. Sick references, chum!
Oooof! You feel that? That stinging sensation in your left cheek? That’s the future slapping you with its robot hands now that laser keyboards (£69.95) are a thing. Connect your iDevice via Bluetooth, smash a couple of lights out of their sockets, flip every latte on your coffee-shop table, and tap a few profound lines into your mem-waaahs.
Tried every textbook stop-gap for those awkward first-date silences, haven’t you. Strategic toilet breaks. Winking. Asking if she can smell burning toast then faking a stroke. Nothing seems to work! But have you tried electro? Pre-assemble this DIY synth machine (£24.95) at home, then plop it on the table to wee wee woo wee your way back into romantic contention.
It’s time you earned some respect around here. And you know who eats respect for breakfast? Who slaps admiration between slices of bread each lunchtime? Who cooks enough high-praise at dinner to put some in the freezer for another meal later that week? Scorsese. Scorsese reeks of respect. Channel your inner Marty with a Cinebody CS6 (£150), which turns your iPhone 6 into an old-school 4K shooter.
Kevin’s been silently lurking near you for five minutes now. The front of his thighs pressing into your desk. “Kevin, what is it?” you say. “Coffee,” he mumbles, third time this week. “Okay. One, quickly, then please leave me alone.” He pulls a fistful of roasted beans from his left pocket, and his new Cafflano portable coffee brewer (£54.99) from the other. He brews. He waits. You sip, smile back, and watch as he walks away. For now. For now.
The five stages of a drunken tube journey
Come with us now, on that hazy, subterranean Fantasia-like journey taken after every long evening spent in the pub
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