The Start Of A New Relationship
The situation: You know you're a goober, most people know you're a goober, but your new squeeze... oblivious. Don't betray the unspeakable side of you just yet! Pick a programme that'll let you perform an exaggerated display of deep compassion.
The show: Show Me A Hero (Amazon Prime). An intelligent and emotional political drama from the creator of The Wire, starring Oscar Isaac as an idealistic New York mayor.
The Train To Work Every Day
The situation: First requirement, no intense on-screen sh*gging. People will stare, you'll squirm. Then: nothing taxing – it's too early. But most importantly, remember you're required to hate your fellow commuters. Grey-faced sad-sacks, the lot. Give yourself a passive-aggressive thrill with a show you suspect most are intending to watch eventually. Hold the screen high so they just can't miss those lovely spoilers.
The show: Bloodline (Netflix). Well-acted family saga about the unwanted return of The Black Sheep. Gripping, but rolls at a sedate pace.
On Your Lunch Break
The situation: You never know which of the company's grown-ups might stroll past your screen. "He's watching a difficult foreign drama!" Is what you want them to note. "I had his Space Raiders and Twix lunch down as evidence of a child's mind, but it's actually the eccentricity of genius! Peter, we've found the heir to Jobs!"
The show: Gomorrah (Amazon Prime). A cinematic Naples-set mob tragedy. Every bit as stark and grim as you'd expect it to be.
When A Uni Friend Visits
The situation: Whew, conversation's a slog. Maybe this is why you haven't talked for two years. Only one thing for it: a headfirst regression into laddishness! Whack something on about a cocaine kingpin. Uni, eh? Mental!
The show: Los Tiempos De Pablo Escobar (Netflix). A fascinating, talking head-heavy account of what Colombia was like in Pablo Escobar's grip. No romanticism or glorification – a nice companion piece to Narcos.
Stuck In Long-Term Relationship Complacency
The situation: Cat's out of the bag now about who you really are, so anything goes. If it's crazed, it plays. Perhaps you're seeking something of such moon-howling madness that you'll rediscover the joy of being able to watch TV alone.
The show: The Eric Andre Show (watch here). A strange, surreal and hilarious take on the celebrity chat show. Weirder than your wildest fever dream.